Written by Hairong 2022 Cohort
When I was in middle school, I had my first Nokia phone. At that time, the poor internet did not support much entertainment, and my favourite thing to do was read “Relationship Counselling” on the news page. Most stories tell of marriages which begin strangely – cheating experiences.
The men in those stories are portrayed as beasts who turn into ‘monsters’ and ‘devour’ the women when they are alone at night, and most of the wives of the ‘monsters’ reflect on their mistakes – Was it because they didn’t take care of the monster’s self-esteem? Was it because she didn’t clean up the house properly? Was it because she couldn’t let the monster ‘swallow’ herself when pregnant? Their analysis seemed to hit a weird circle that started from a man and circled back on themselves.
These stories were new to me, and I gradually established my narrative perspective within them. I draw out my lessons in each level – “Women should be married by 28, or they will gradually lose their market value”, “Don’t be alone in a room with a man, horrible things can happen,” “Be considerate of a man’s self-esteem and don’t let him lose face”; in which my mother would add her understanding to this newly written “marriage code” – ” Women have to do the whole household chores,” “Women shouldn’t study too much, it makes men lose their self-esteem” As the “marriage code” became thicker and thicker, I began to feel afraid. I was scared of every man’s gaze in the street; I was frightened to sit next to any man in the canteen; I was horrified to talk to any man in public. Whenever I come into contact with a man, I can see a test sheet like a printer when it starts up, filled with the “marriage code” I follow and the ones I don’t…
The one or two places that weren’t checked made me feel guilty and anxious. My boyfriend’s presence did not improve things, and he highly endorsed my “marriage code.” We started planning to get married, have children, and be housewives by 28. When I asked about his family on the train to meet his parents, he happily said that his mother liked women with big hips because it meant it would be easy to have babies. I added to my “marriage code” with a new checkbox.
After I left my country, I disconnected from this boyfriend. I went through the “marriage code” again, and after going over it many times, I saw something new; this may seem like a law for women to follow, but it has objectification of women’s methods written all over it. There were recipes written by many “patriarchal” people that described these considerations as the natural order.